I walk about in hand and ankle cuffs, throwing rocks, as I listen to old songs play in my head
Tuesday, August 4, 2009 at 2:19AM ;)
Although the nights have been cold, today was the third day in a row of exquisite, warm, sunshine and after Caleb returned from his late-morning coffee outing, I got him to agree not to go to bed until I could take a walk. I headed down Seldon to Church Road and, as I returned, I saw this vehicle pull out from Lower Serendipity. I should know the make, model, and year, I suppose, but I don't.
When I first saw it, I wondered if it had once served as a hearse. If so, I wondered about the people it had carried. I pictured an old man with pure white hair and a handle-bar mustache lying in the back inside a fine, blue, coffin, his hands folded on top of his chest over a black suit with blue pinstripes, taking his final ride. Then I pictured a tiny coffin.
I decided that instead, maybe it had been a woody, with surfboards piled on top. I pictured bleached-blond surfers and their bikini-clad honeys from the 1960's driving it along the edge of California seaside cliffs, damn near driving off the road because they could not keep their eyes off the waves breaking below.
I remembered driving along such cliffs, surfboard on top, the girls in the car screaming in terror at me to watch the road instead of the surf. I wouldn't have driven off the road. Even though I studied the surf, I knew at all times right where the edge of that cliff was.
I'm afraid the car was not a woody, it was a 1960 Ford Fairlane sedan and the girls did not wear bikinis. They were modestly dressed, actually.
Mormon girls. That's why.
A Jan and Dean song came into my mind:
I bought a cool wagon and we call it a woody
Surf City, here we come
You know its not very cherry its an oldie but a goodie
Surf City, here we come
Well it ain't got a backseat or a rear window
but it still gets me where I want to go
And we're going to Surf City, 'cause its two to one
You know we're going to Surf City, gonna have some fun...
...Two girls for every boy...
If I could but live my youth again, those girls would not be Mormons, or, if they were, they would be the wild ones (sorry, Mom).
One is only young once, and those who stand at the pulpit and preach to young people about what will bring them unbearable regret later in life can really miss the mark.
;)
I walked under a sky that was blue, so deep, clear and clean and in the not too far distance, the mountains rose beautifully into it. The air was wonderfully warm and its aroma was sweet. Yet, I felt trapped, as though I was shackled in steel cuffs - both on my wrists and ankles.
This is how I had felt last summer, too, when I would get out and walk and see the sky and the mountains. This is because it was all inaccessible to me. I could see it, but I could not reach it; I could not go to it. I could not walk in it. This was because of the injury that I had suffered. I was horribly fragile and had a long way to go before I would heal.
And that's how the summer passed, and the fall, but always I was improving slowly and in the winter I began to feel new strength, but still I was limited. The pain in my right shoulder, upper arm and wrist was constant and that whole arm was weak. My range of motion was limited. Even a slight amount of stress, whether by bump or pull, could jar me with startling pain and seemed to threaten to knock me right back to where I had been.
Come the beginning of this summer, despite the fact that I still wore a brace upon my wrist and that the pain remained constant, there 100 percent of the time but usually at a low enough level that I could forget about it, I felt as though I were ready to go, full bore now.
I had a plan to do just that. I had what I figured would be a month's worth of field work - shooting pictures and conducting interviews - to do on the Arctic Slope. I created a fantasy in my head. Even as I did this field work - shooting and working oh, say, 12 hours a day, I would somehow find another eight hours or so to construct my 96 page Uiñiq magazine layout, write all my stories and get my publication press ready by August 1.
Then, I would cut loose for the entire month and do all those things that I had not been able to do last summer. I would hike in the mountains, I would canoe in the wild country, I would catch fish, including a king salmon, kayak in Prince William Sound and then at the end I would see if I could shoot a moose and put it on the table.
As anyone who has been with this blog knows, I had a great time on the Slope and I would judge my field work to have been quite successful. But how in the world I ever got the idea that I could put my magazine together at the same time as I did that field work, I do not know.
So I resigned myself to the idea that I had no choice but to use the month of August to put the magazine together - yet every now and then, no matter what, I would break away to go into the mountains, or onto the water, for one day, or even just an afternoon.
And then Margie fell. And now she needs me all the time. Even out here, on this short walk, knowing that Caleb was in the house with her should anything urgent come up, I was nervous and uncomfortable. I felt that I must get back to her quickly as I could. Those mountains were absolutely inaccessible to me. I felt trapped. Cuffed.
And then another old song came into my head, this one by the Everly Brothers:
Through the years our love will grow
like a river it will flow
It can't die because I'm so...
devoted...
to you!*
;)
That "you" would be Margie. And being devoted does not necessarily mean romance at all; it does not necessarily mean holding hands and staring raptured into misty eyes. It means giving up what you so desperately want to do to be with that person when that person truly needs you - just as Margie gave up so much last summer to care for me; it means to be exhausted and to get up at any and all hours of the night, when you do not feel you can even open your eyes or raise your arms, to help that person through an unpleasant and painful task.
And even as I felt trapped and cuffed while walking in the open air under the bright sun, my Margie lay on the same bed where she had lain nearly eight days straight now, always on her back, never getting more than one foot... no, not even more than eight inches... from the bed in all that time.
And yes, I am devoted to my Margie. By so many standards upon which the marital relationship is often judged, I fail. Many is the woman who would have left me long ago. But we like each other. We don't just love each other. We like each other. We are friends. We enjoy hanging out together. And I am devoted to her. No matter how contrary to the idea of devotion some of my actions might seem by the so often artificial standards of the society that we live in.
So all those mountains must just sit there, for now, without me wandering through them.
I did not mean to get carried away like this. I should strike all this.
But what is that rock doing in the air, just beyond my thumb?
I threw it, and photographed as it left. See, yesterday, I threw an apple core into the bushes, for the birds, the squirrels, the bugs to eat. My throw was not good. In the time of my chidhood, if a boy had made such a throw his friends would have teased him, "you throw like a girl!"
It was a weak throw, and the core only traveled about 15 feet - the lingering result of my injury. So I decided that when I walk, I will stop every now and then, pick up a rock, and throw it, until I can hit a target a good distance away.
I probably threw two or three dozen rocks on this walk. I gripped the rocks the way you grip a baseball, and made a concerted effort to draw my arm over my head in good baseball style. It was difficult. It hurt. None of my rocks went much past 20 feet - until the last one. It flew maybe 30 feet.
So I am going to keep throwing rocks until they are frozen to the ground and buried under the snow.
In the midst of this coming winter, I will take Margie to Hawaii and I will rent a surfboard and with my strengthened arm I will paddle into the surf and then I will ride a wave.
It has been so damn long since I have ridden a wave.
So please, please... no more accidents!
;)
Speaking of accidents... at the edge of Wards Road, over the tiny pond my kids named "Little Lake" when they were growing, I found this crash helmet in the weeds. See the indention that covers the nearby area? I could see that it was made by an up-ended machine, probably a four wheeler, most likely driven by a kid hot-rodding in wreckless abandon - maybe a little kid - just before (s)he went off the road.
But I don't know. Maybe it was a responsible adult. All I know for sure is that someone had an accident here and the helmet was left behind.
I wondered how bad it was? Hopefully, not too bad. Maybe Margie is not the only person around here laid up in bed right now.
;)
The other day, Caleb bought himself an iPhone. He plays a game on it.
This is progress. I was able to help Margie out of bed and onto a chair, where she sat for a very long time and read a book. Since she can no longer babysit him, and Lavina had to go back to work, Kalib enrolled in daycare today, just as he did after she injured herself last January.
He and his parents did not get home until late, about 9:30, but they brought Margie's dinner with them. Hawaiian food -chicken and rice - cooked at that place in Mountain View, the name of which I forget.
I did not want to wait that late for dinner and so had eaten mine - a can of pinto beans and a ham and cheese sandwich - earlier.
But Margie gave me a taste of hers.
Oh, geeze! Had I known, I would have waited until midnight, if need be.
That's how good it was.
It may have been the best chicken that I have ever tasted.
Other than Mom's, of course.
Oh yes - the Sarah Palin experiment:
It worked. I had the biggest flood of hits today that I have received since I posted the Barrow baby contest.
No - Sarah Palin did not draw as many people to the blog as did the Barrow babies, but she drew quite a few, anyway.
*My condolences to Congressman Don Young, over the loss of his wife, Lu.
Reader Comments (6)
What a long, melancholy post. I hope that day by day Margie gets stronger. When I injured my knee (a long time ago) I found that laying or sitting in water and allowing my leg to "float" seemed to help the healing process.
I visited your blog yesterday, about 5 or 6 times, just to see how the experiment was going, and to see if anyone else left comments.
I thought of a way you might raise a little money, if you could do it cheaply enough. That is, have a two sided 8/12 x 11 page with a funny map of Wasilla drawn on it, and ask people to send you one dollar and a first class stamp for it. On one side you could have a big map of Wasilla, with some comments at the bottom, and the other side could be folded outward with the To: and From: on it, so you would not need envelopes.
I still have brief flashes of anger at the Mormon church, or more truthfully, corporation. Their membership is eroding now that a search on the internet reveals what a scoundrel Joe Smith really was. As a female, I can tell you the nonsense I was taught completely damaged my understanding of being a young woman. I am still recovering.
"Right now three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13:13 You are blessed, Bill. May the healing continue, and may you always appreciate the gift of ithe nsight you have today.
Hi Dad~
The Hawaiian place is called Hula Hands. :)
Bill, your writing is an inspiration, as is your photography, and your devotion to your family. Thanks for sharing and for giving us a window into your world.
Tears in my eyes to see Margie sitting up, thank you.
I thank all of you for the words.
Miss Sunshine - maybe you were one of the girls in the car with me as I drove along the top of those cliffs. Of course, you were not, but maybe you were, anyway.
Thank you, Ella. The healing has continued.
Lavina - how could I forget? We must eat there sometime soon, so I can try the same dish hot.
Wendy - And it is good to see your comment hear.
Kelly - I am touched that you are so touched. I sure would like to go to Tonga some day.