Hello - and goodbye
Sunday, November 28, 2010 at 10:34AM 
Christian hymns have been playing in my head continuously for the past several days. I believe this is because I was unable to travel to Soundarya's funeral and so my subconscious mind had to create a funeral for me. The only way it knew how to do this was to pull up the hymns that it has heard at so many funerals - none of them Hindu. I just don't know any Hindu funeral hymns.
Within the past few hours, the hymns have gone away. They have been replaced by two Beatles songs, which come and go as they please: To Know Her is to Love Her and "I don't know why you say goodbye I say hello." So my personal funeral for Soundarya must be over. I did not see her body or the beautiful saree and flowers that would have adorned her. I did not witness her cremation. I did not observe or participate in the rituals. I did not get to embrace her mother and father, her brother and sister or any of her large family of relatives - my relatives now.
I did not get to weep with them.
Even so, my brain provided what it could by way of a personal funeral and now that funeral is over and I must move on.
Before I do, I thought that I would put up one last picture of Soundarya and I thought that it should be from when we first met - either from the wedding feast for Vivek and Khena or from the walk Sandy and I took afterward.
So I typed "Sandy" into my computer's internal search engine and then chose several candidates from the many thumbnails that appeared upon my screen. I narrowed these down to the three pictured here on my monitor and then finally chose the one to the left, desaturated of most of its color.
Then I realized that I could not just put a picture from the past up in the context of the past, but that my "hello-goodbye" picture had to be as I saw it today - looking out at me from my computer screen in my dimly lit office.
The two model airplanes on the wall to the right, as some of you know, were made by my deceased brother, Ron, before he broke his neck and became tetraplegic.
Ganesh Facebooked a link to me of a song, Kabhi Kabhie Mere Dil Mein, performed by professionals. He and she once sang it together and ended it with a big laugh fest. I listened to the song several times, but each time I closed my eyes so that I would not see the actors in the video, but only her and I saw her strongly. She once told me online that she had visited a seer who had told her that we had been close in lives past and would be close in lives future.
This life is the only life that I know and am certain is real, but it is a nice thought and would explain many things.
Now I will let her go. I will not stop thinking of her, my tears for her will not altogether dry, but I will let her go and I will deal with the things that I must deal with everyday and I won't be blogging about her anymore.
At least not for now, not for awhile. Someday, when I find the money to return to India and capture the time to find a way to better tell her story, then I will blog about her again. How can a storyteller have a muse and not tell her story?
I will tell it, Muse. I will tell your story. The world will know about you - your sweet, gentle, caring soul that could bestow kindness not only upon a kitten but even upon a bug - or a cobra... the fierce defense that you would throw up to protect those you loved against those more powerful than you... the dreams, passions, ambitions and desires that filled you... the bitter disappointments that you pushed through again and again right up until this last one... the beautiful even if painful memory that you have now become.
I will tell this story - but not now. For now, I must pull back and do other things.
As for these two on their snowmachine, I saw them yesterday afternoon off Church Road as I was cruising and drinking a Metro coffee that I had bought from Shoshana.
Reader Comments (5)
As a concerned citizen of the world (who finds American politics entertaining), I'm sitting in Delhi, India looking through the blogosphere for the background stories on Wasilla's most famous resident and I find your blog the day you post the story of Soundarya's life and death (Nov 23). Quite a "Babel" moment. I'm sorry for your loss. She looks like she was a wonderful person. It makes you want to believe in reincarnation or eternal life just so we can meet beautiful souls like her again.
Love you Unc Bill... Take care...
Your blog is a memory, fully filled with joy, fun and sorrow. Hello - Goodbye is the song I heard when Sandy left us, we have similar feelings.
Visiting this page again...Missin her so much! thank you so much for putting it in words..I want to read them often..
Love,
Suji
Suji... yes... and I am in the midst of her pictures, at this moment. Soon I will share them with you.