To find, to lose, to find and lose again - my India take vanishes into digital ether; I search, I plead
Thursday, December 2, 2010 at 12:50PM 
I shot only one frame all day yesterday and this is it - two ravens through my car window as seen through the drive-through line at Taco Bell and this is how I wound up there:
I had it my mind that when I could, I would sort through my India pictures and put together some sort of package on Soundarya to share with the family. I did not know where those pictures were and I dreaded the search to try to find them.
Behind and to the sides of my computer monitor, my desk was a clutter of hard drives, cables and wires - a couple of dozen hard drives, in fact - some of them plugged in, some of them not. I had once known where everything was on those hard drives, but over time, in the constant juggle and shuffle of digital information - moving images from this drive to that, then erasing from here, etc. etc. etc., it had become a tangle of confusion.
I came up with a system in my head to finally get on top of it, but to do so would require that I remove the harddrives from the enclosures they came in so that instead I could just insert and take them out of hard drive docks at will.
I checked with an expert and he said, yes, this would work - I could just remove all those drives from their enclosures and this would free them up for use in the docks.
So I did, and it took me a long time, because once I would figure out how to take one sort of enclosure apart, the next would be completely different and I did not have the right tools.
To simplify a complicated story, by the time I finished, I discovered that six of my harddrives were of an earlier design and would not seat into the docks, so I could no longer read them. Plus, two harddrives would seat and spin, but would not sign on to the computer. So I made four trips back and fourth to Machous were Bruce helped me reconstruct those that needed reconstructing and tried to help me bring the two that would not read back, but they had gone bad and could not be brought back.
During one of those trips back and forth to Machaus, I stopped at Taco Bell and picked up an order for myself and another for Margie, who was not feeling good.
In my office, I carefully searched every drive that could be read - and was horrified to discover that my India take, #2, when Melanie and I went to the wedding of Soundarya and Anil, could not be found.
Although I blogged the wedding, to this date I had not found the time to go through the big majority of the thousands of photos that I took afterward. I know there are some good pictures of Sandy in there, along with many other things from those times that Sandy and Anil were off by themselves and Melanie and I were traveling elsewhere with Vasanthi, Murthy, Buddy and Vijay.
All this now appeared to be lost, vanished into digital ether. If I could not somehow find them, then all I woud have from that trip would be the few low-res images, mostly from the wedding, that actually appeared on this blog.
I searched and searched and searched, venturing into the shadow areas. At one point, I thought that I had found a set, for I did find folders for those dates - but the folders were empty.
They are only photographs and their loss is a tiny and insignificant thing in comparison to her loss - but still, photographs are all that is left. I sank into despair. My body shook and my hands trembled.
I realize that what I am about to state is going to sound really corny to some, but it is how it happened, so I am going to state it. Not knowing what else to do, after a day-and-a-half of searching but not finding, I said aloud, "Sandy! I need your help! You've got to help me."
After I spoke the words, I suddenly noticed one of those tiny, portable, black plastic hard drives that you can buy at Wal-Mart, sitting beneath the computer tower on my desk. I always take two or three of these into the field with me, so that I can make duplicate copies of everything that I shoot as I move along. After I get home, I dump the images into my big harddrives and then erase these little ones, so that I can take them back out into the field the next time I go.
I picked up the little drive and plugged it into the computer.
The India take was all there.
Coincidence, my brain tells me. My heart wants to believe otherwise.
The truth is, I do not know.
I now have the pictures, but Sandy is still gone.
Even as I type this, I am loading those pictures into my Lightroom editor. This is the very first image from that take - it is Melanie as we wait at Ted Stevens International Airport to board the first of the four planes that will fly us to Bangalore.
And here we are, Melanie and I together, reflected in the window of the underground train that shuttles passengers between various terminals at the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport.
Now we have left Chicago, enroute to Mumbai.
And here we are, in Mumbai.
In Mumbai, we saw a sleepy little girl.
Now we ride the shuttle that will take us from one Mumbai terminal to another.
;)
Through the shuttle window. What you don't see is the heat. Despite the late hour, it was stifling hot. We are about to board the flight to Bangalore.
Now we are at Murthy and Vasanthi's in Bangalore, where I fell asleep. It was Sandy who woke me up - Soundarya Ravichandran. After I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, I took a picture of her and this is it. The next day, she would wed and would become Soundarya Anil Kumar.
I now have many pictures to sort through and edit. This barely begins it. It is going to take some time and I do not know where I am going to find that time.
I know that I promised that I would not let this blog dwell where it seems to be dwelling, but one does not just turn away from an experience such as this and suddenly find that it is over.
Still, it is my commitment to now get back on track and to blog about other things. After I have a picture package ready to share with the family, perhaps I will put up a few more up here.
I suspect that this will take me about one year.
Reader Comments (11)
So glad you found the photos Bill. I am a believer in "cosmic" forces. And don't worry about dwelling on any topic, follow your heart to heal in whatever way works for you.
I think if you did a poll, just about every person who reads this blog, has also lost someone before their time.. For me it was my 14 year old nephew (who would be 22 now)... You take all the time you need, for myself, I love seeing your pictures and hearing of your "slice of life", right that now slice has some sadness, I can relate.
I found your blog during the 2008 election, your blog was in a blogroll along with a lot of others, as I was trying to figure out who the heck that lady was that McCain picked for a running mate.
I have moved on from Palin and the election, but still come to your blog for your stories of your kids, grandkids, wife, and neighbors. All of it, large and small makes your blog a must stop for me each day... You have Metro Cafe, I have your blog...
What else would you expect from your muse but to help when you called? ;) What a fabulous story and so relieved for you that you found those pictures! I agree with Pat, I think the blog is to let you go wherever your thoughts take you, and if it helps you to write and express your thoughts about Sandy, you have to just go with it. I wonder if as time and $ allows if it wouldn't be better to store your treasures on a set of large memory Passport harddrives that I think plug into your computer with just a USB cable. I saw one with 1 TB, ( how many pics can that hold?!) for $120! T
like the above reader, i found your blog by accident and was hooked. what a photo of sandy. beautiful woman yet there's a sadness in her eyes. i agree that whatever your heart wants to write about is the right thing.
You blog about Sandy all you want. We understand. It is a way to cope with grief, to work through grief, to cherish the wonderful things, to celebrate life. Take your time.
I am so glad you found those photos...what a loss it would have been.
Bill, the blog is yours to use as you wish. If your wish is to love Sandy, grieve Sandy, then do it. It is not our place to tell you what to write.
Sandy is beautiful, Sandy is within you. She did help when you called to her.
Take care of yourself, Bill.
"Sandy is beautiful. Sandy is within you."- AkMom
Indeed, the word 'Soundarya' means beauty and thanks to you Bill, we know that she was a beautiful person inside as well as outside..
Bill, you are not dwelling. You are teaching.
Having lost my work in the ether and having had to recreate it from scratch, I can't tell you how relieved I was that you found your photos. My dad lost his camera with pics of my mom's 80+ YO cousins in 2006 and we will never be able to get those back. I'm deeply sorry for your loss.
I read this post at work today, and again, had tears. Your readers are just as inspiring as you are Bill.
Bill, I was so worried about your photos and was talking to Bruce about what transpired with your hard drives and how it could be made better, BEFORE I read you entire post and found that your photos had been found. I'm so happy that you found the photos! I wasn't at work at the MacHaus that day so Bruce didn't discuss your hard drive issues until tonight when I was catching up with your blog.
So glad that you have them. I can't imagine trying to keep track of the amount of data that you produce with your photography.
Take care and keep doing what you do. I so admire you as a person and a photographer. You help me keep track of the human element; the humanity that is present in this giant world, whether it is in India, Barrow, Kaktovik or Wasilla.