Royce, the cat who was always looking for love: December 31, 1994 - June 15, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010 at 7:43AM ;)
There is a certain pain that sometimes strikes me in the prostate when I am sleeping and it is horrible. It usually lasts somewhere between half-an-hour and an hour and then it goes away and I can go back to sleep. I had barely fallen into a strange, colorful and bizarre dream that was taking place simultaneously in three separate frames when that pain woke me at 12:20 AM Tuesday morning.
I did not want to believe it was coming on, because I never want to believe it. I always want to imagine that if I just think it gone it will be gone and I can sleep on. It never works that way. Only the cats and I were home. Margie had gone to spend the week in town babysitting Jobe and Caleb was at work.
I waited for the pain to go away as usual, but it did not. One AM passed, then 2:00, then 3:00. About 3:20, just because I wanted to change my surroundings, I left my bedroom and headed to my office, where I stayed for somewhere between two and three minutes, then turned to go back into the house.
When I opened the garage door into the living room, I smelled something horrid. Then I saw Royce, lying very still on the checkered rug somewhere between two and three feet from the door, eyes open, the left side of his face against the rug, his front paws framing his face. He looked dead. I could see no breath. I could hear no sounds.
His eyes did not blink.
He had not been lying there when I had entered my office, but now he was. I knelt down beside him and placed one hand on his chest. Suddenly, without moving his body, he took a gasp of a breath, then lay still again. Perhaps 30 seconds later, he took another breath.
I could see that nothing could be done for him. He was dying, but why? It looked to me as though he had been struck down. The only thing that I could think of was maybe he had a stroke. I wondered if he was suffering? I ran my hand up to his windpipe and for a moment thought that maybe I would just squeeze and end any pain that he might be experiencing.
But I couldn't. He was going. He was leaving this world and if he had any consciousness at all I did not want his final memory to be of me choking him. Plus, he did not look to be in pain. So I just sat with him, stroking him, saying a few things to him now and then, waiting for him to die. Every now and then, I would grab a paper towel and pick up the poop that kept coming out of him.
I put another tissue under his face to catch the drool.
Fifteen minutes passed and he was still alive. I hated the fact that he was lying on the floor, dying on the dirty rug, so I went back into my office and got the little bed that I had made nine years ago for Jim from a Mac laptop computer box, placed Royce in it then sat on the couch with him on my lap.
Chicago and Jim quickly joined us. Chicago positioned herself at the head end of the box, Jimmy on the arm rest. Pistol-Yero came, but sat on the far arm of the couch.
Remember, Chicago and Royce have always been friends. I wondered what she knew?
Just before Royce died, she climbed up to the back of the couch, crossed behind me, then put her paws on my shoulder, her face next to my face. At the moment Royce died, about 4:05 AM, Chicago was looking into the box, right at him. I took the above picture very shortly afterward.
I remained where I was with Royce on my lap and one hand stroking him for another hour. I called Melanie but got no answer. I sent text messages out to everybody. Rex called back within minutes. Then Melanie called.
Finally, I put Royce on a high shelf in the garage and then went back to bed. It was nearing 5:30 AM now. As usual when I go to bed, Jim and Pistol-Yero joined me. A few minutes later, I heard a mournful, mournful, sorrowful cry out in the hallway. It was Chicago, who never sleeps with us.
I got back up, opened the door and saw the wailing Chicago down the hall. She stopped her cry, came running to me. She followed me to the bed, jumped up and crawled under the covers with me. It had never happened this way before. There she stayed until 8:00 AM, when the phone rang and I had to get up.
;)
I hung up the phone and went back to bed, but it rang again about two minutes later. It was all business stuff. I decided just to stay up and go get breakfast at Family Restaurant. I got a good seat in the corner with my back to the wall and a window to look out of.
Soon, I heard a distant whistle, then a low rumble. The train came along.
My order came not long afterward. As I was eating it, I was surprised to hear another whistle, and then to feel another rumble in the earth.
It was a two-train breakfast.
That doesn't often happen.
;)
In the afternoon, after I had gone out to deal with a bizarre happening that I will one day write about but not yet, I was in the car and came to a stoplight, right alongside and just beneath this car.
;)
In the evening, beginning with Lisa, the family began to trickle in from Anchorage for the funeral. She had left work early this day to go home and be with her two cats. I still had Royce in the box in the garage. She went to see him and wept.
;)
Melanie arrived later. She spent some time playing with Kalib, who was a bit sick, then came out to see the kitten that she had loved from the day it left the womb, the kitten that I had told her we could not keep, but when I saw the love I had tied a blue ribbon around his neck and then presented him to her on her birthday.
Now, she petted him and then began to work the knots out of his fur.
;)
Then she got a cat brush and smoothed him out real good. I was amazed at how good he looked when she was done.
;)
The boys set about to dig the grave as Lisa gathered rocks to place atop it.
;)
According to the Navajo belief she lives by, at this stage in her motherhood Lavina could not look upon Royce, nor could Kalib or Jobe. She could fix dinner. She did. Corn chowder.
;)
We brought Royce outside for the final viewing. Everybody shared a memory or two or three or more of him.
;)
When Jacob remembered how Royce had once saved him from getting a speeding ticket, everybody laughed. Tomorrow, I will put up series of pictures of Royce in life and will include that story as well as others.
;)
Margie chose this blanket to be his burial shroud, as she had often observed Kalib and Royce together on or near this blanket. Kalib would point to the different squares as Royce watched attentively. Now she wraps him in it.
;)
Muzzy and Royce were friends.
;)
Royce was Melanie's cat. She carries him to his grave.
;)
Before Royce goes into the earth, Lisa holds him and weeps. Then I take him and lower him into the hole, which is deeper than my arm is long.
;)
Melanie scoops up dirt to gently place directly atop him before the rest is shoveled in.
;)
Once Royce was in the earth and could not be seen, Kalib was allowed to come to the grave. He picked a wild rose and brought it to his good friend. Long time readers know of this amazing relationship shared between the baby and the cat, but, for those who don't, I will address it in tomorrow's post.
;)
Kalib placed several flowers and several rocks upon the grave. Lisa put the golf ball there.
There is so much more that I wanted to write in this post, as I placed the above pictures, but it is now 2:07 AM the next day, I have not even taken a nap and I need to drive into Anchorage early in the morning. I need to get some rest, sometime, so I will go to bed now, sleep a bit, take a quick look at this before I leave for Anchorage and then hit, "published."
So this is it. Never again will I pet this cat or hear him purr.
If I had known that, I would have picked him up repeatedly on Monday. He would have purred and purred and purred.
I just didn't know. I thought he was getting better.
Reader Comments (58)
I have no words Bill. Only sending much love to you and yours.
Hang in there!
Oh, Bill. I'm so sorry.
Thanks for sharing your family of love and this sad day.
Losing a loved one - even if it's "only" a pet - is hard. We sat up all night with one of our dogs, cleaning up after him in the event. He seemed so apologetic to be putting us through his dying. We still miss him and often mention him. Heaven *must include all of the pets one has had during one's lifetime. I see our dogs running together through fields of tall grass, laughing as they go.
It strikes me that if Royce was indeed a cat who was always looking for love, well, I have to say, he was right where he would find it. Always.
Sorry for all of you. Blogging is a strange world. You find yourself crying for a cat that you never once petted.
Even though there are no more purrs, you should know that this cat was given a wonderful life.
sniff, sniff...
That is all we know when our beloved pets go to the aurora... That we gave them a wonderful life...
I'm sorry for your loss Bill. I agree with Debby, blogging has created something strange. Many would think I'm insane as I sit here and cry for a cat I've never touched. But I just can't help it, through your photographs and words I felt like I knew him.
Gosh Bill, I am just so sorry about Royce. He was a fine cat and a good friend. You treated him well and he gave you love. I know my Buddy has met him at the Rainbow Bridge to show him around, one orange cat to another, and keep him company while they wait for us.
Best wishes and deepest sympathy to you and all the family, especially Melanie.
My sympathies on the loss of your beloved cat. He was well loved.
I follow many blogs. Some make me happy, some make me think and some just make me angry, but your blog always touches me in ways deep down and many times moves me tears. Whether it is the recounting of a beautiful wedding, the passing of a dear friend, the remembrances of experiences from long-ago, the birth of a beloved grandchild or saying good-bye to a beloved pet, there is such beauty conveyed here through the pictures and the very honest and heartfelt writing the many times it touches me at an emotional level that I can't even explain.
Bill, your family is so unique with it's many cultures co-existing and thriving together but you are also represent everyone's family with kids, grand-kids, pets, money-problems, joys, sorrows and the pleasure of eating one's favorite breakfast at one's favorite restaurant and getting one's favorite coffee from a drive-thru.
Thanks to you and this blog I know that I now watch the world a little bit differently and sometimes I grab my camera from my purse and just take a shot of the world around me and think to myself, "So this is what Bill does and now I see why."
My deepest sympathy on the passing of a loved one
and please don't let that prostrate go unchecked!!!!!!!
We all need you...
My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family today...
So very sorry for your loss. Bill, Royce was an orange long-haired Tabby? Because his tail in the box looks just like our Sunflower (female) orange, long-haired tabby), the light of our lives. Namaste.
i'm so sorry Bill
I am new to your blog but it looks like your cat was given so much love by all in the family and was given respect and love in the final goodbye too.
Such a sweet guy.... who sought and certainly found love.
I am glad you shared the story of Royces last nite and his funeral.
Beautiful in its own way.
You all loved this cat and your other animals, and they know it.
What more can anyone do, but share their time and love with each other, whether it be human or another species.
I'm so sorry Bill. He must surely be in heaven.. He was such a gentle cat..
I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that he is in a better place but I will certainly miss hearing about him. He had love and he gave love.
Royce was feline royalty. Thanks for sharing him with us; he will be sorely missed.
The Rainbow Bridge
There is a bridge connecting Heaven and
Earth. It's called the rainbow bridge
because of its many colors. Just this side of
the Rainbow Bridge there is a land of
meadows, hills, and lush greens
grass.
When a beloved pet dies, the pet goes to
this place. There is always food, water and
warm spring weather. The old and the frail
animals are made whole again.
There is only one thing missing. They are
not with their special person who loved
them on earth. So, each day they run and
play until the day comes when one suddenly
stops playing and looks up! The ears go up!
The eyes are staring! And this one suddenly
runs from the group.
You have been seen. And when you and your
special friend meet, you take him or her in
your arms and embrace. Your face is kissed
again, and you look once more into the eyes of
your loving pet.
Every time I read this I start crying, Bill sorry for your loss.
Your family's love for Royce came shining through this post. Thank you with honoring us by sharing this sad, sad time. God's Peace.
Like other posters I sit here crying for a cat I did not know, but my heart just aches. I look at my own cats and cant imagine the pain I'll feel when they leave this world. My heart is so heavy for you and your family Bill, but I know that Royce was well-loved and when he left he was wrapped up in that love. Lots of hugs are coming to you from up the road,and please give Melanie an extra special hug from me.
"This too shall pass."
Man - I am so sorry. Forgive my hollow words; if i could ease your pain, I would. And please do KNOW; Love never dies. These wonderful creatures are better than us - they are BEYOND the 'test of morality'...call'em greeting cards from god...:-) And I do hope, that in additon to your other critters, that you might SAVE a kitty from the shelter ASAP! Not as a replacement, for Royce can never be replaced...but as a way to keep his divine spark of life alive in another.
Take care my friend!
Willie B
Memphis
My sympathies Bill, to you and your family. Quyantau.
Another one sitting here with tears running down my cheeks for a cat I never met. He was so loved, the connection between Royce and Kalib was amazing.
Take care of yourself, Bill.
I'm so sorry, Bill! This brings tears to my eyes just reading of Royce's passing, and they're trickling down my face even now. The picture of Royce in his box...my orange tabby Tigger looked just like that after his passing.
I'd laid on the floor next to the place Tigger had chosen to die, and talked to him and cried until he stopped moaning, and I knew he couldn't hear me anymore. After he'd passed, I had to put the poor dear into a freezer we don't use for food (in a spare garage fridge) and wait for my vacationing family to return to help bury him.
I have a delightful birdbath/cat sculpture weighing about 30 pounds that I put on top of Tigger's burial spot --both a headstone and a means to keep anything digging there.
All of the comments today are so moving and it is because you have a way with reaching people through your photos and words.
I think that the one comment that most represents my feelings after reading about Royce was the one from Wendy from SoCal.
Melanie, please, consider yourself hugged from somebody in the sunny California desert.
Bill, if you haven't check out the medical issue you mentioned, please, fit it into your plans.
For Bill's entire family - both real and on this blog ---- your love shines through.
Condolences from your nephew in SLC. Moments like these are so powerful, and I have been and continue to be grateful for the ways in which you capture them. My thoughts are with all of you. I remember when Twilight died and I was far away in Europe, unable to say my final goodbyes -- I think it's so great that your family was all able to have the funeral together. I look forward to your next post, and reading about a few of the many memorable moments from Royce's life.
I'm so sorry for your loss and your family's loss. Yesterday we buried the family dog. It's difficult to explain to people that I feel terribly sad about saying goodbye to the dog member of our family. I have so many good memories of her that I will focus on now. She had a cancer that made her health deteriorate quickly the last few years. I'm glad I could share in mourning with you and yours.
Sorry to hear about Royce. I love checking in on your family via your blog, Royce was quite a cat.
Beautilful photos as usual.
I will be thinking of you & your family.
Anjaak
I'm so sorry. I never got to pet Royce or hear him purr, yet he enriched my life through you Bill. Godspeed Royce.
Bill & Family
I am so sorry for your loss. He was such a handsome kitty, and I know how much it has to hurt to know he's gone. Thank you for sharing pics of your goodbyes with us...RIP Royce.
You and your family have my deepest sympathy. Royce was a remarkable cat, so incredibly good with Kalib, and I know from your blog, a joy to all. If he had to go, it was so good that he spent his last moments on your lap, with his cat friends nearby. I will greatly miss reading about him and seeing his handsome face on the blog.
I came back to read the latest comments. Something struck me. The picture of Melanie crying over her cat. I could not think why. I was about to sit back down with my books when I figured it out. Your children can cry in front of you. What a great gift, that. My father would get angry if we 'acted like babies'. He would mock us. I learned very early on to keep my pain to myself. Your family shares it, and comforts one another. That is a very big gift. I am glad that you have given them this. I thought of my own children. I hope that I have given them the same gift. I'd just never really thought of it before.
I am so sorry for your loss. I'd hug you if I could. :'(
I'm a cat lover, too. When the cat that I grew up with died suddenly a few years ago, I was devastated.
So sorry for the loss of Royce but Royce certainly found love. Found your blog via ADN. Lovely family. Sending you all hugs and peace. xoxo
Here's one more of your readers with tears for Royce. I've had animals...humane society, rescued from the streets...all loved and all missed when they have gone. I feel very sorry for your loss.
Dear Bill, I am so sorry to hear that Royce died. I know how it is to lose a pet. It's always hard. Keep your head up and think good thoughts. It always helps to drink a big glass of milk and remember good memories of Royce.
Rest in Peace Royce!
Sad for your family Mr. Hess
Bill, my heart goes out to you, Melanie, and the rest of your lovely family. This was a tragic winter for our family, as we also lost two of our beloved cats, and a rescued dog we'd hoped to pass along to our friend. We're down to one dog, one cat, and two horses.
Anyway, hugs to all of you, and blessings on your newest "angel", Royce.
Trish
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your cat. People that don't have pets will never know how much they mean to us and how much we miss them when they're gone.
Saying Goodbye to Sara
March 2009
Sara has been with me since the Reagan Administration, finding her way to my doorstep lost and hungry. For four days she stuck by my door waiting for the opportunity to share her life with mine. I stood strong and resisted for those very long four days, asked around my neighborhood, posted signs, notified animal control and The Humane Society ... nothing... not one call.
I'm finding it hard to explain a life that has touched my heart as much as Sara has with mine, but having had this gift of companionship with an animal for 26 years, you tend to get to know one another inside and out. You expect things just so, and except discrepancies and minor challenges here and there, but you never falter with your understanding and bond that you share with one another.
During the mid 80's I had worked in an Animal Hospital, so you can imagine Sara would not be my only pet! Becoming an animal hoarder is an easy feat when animals are being dropped off at the front and back doors of animal hospitals, sealed tightly in boxes duct taped with no air circulation. I had soon accumulated eleven felines and two canines in six months time. I didn't need, nor want another feline. It bordered Crazy Cat Lady Syndrome (better known in the animal world as CCLS)...but I had a whole acre, lived alone and Sara was only 4 lbs. what's one more feline? Wait, that is CCLS!
She turned out to be so very different from my other critters, really quiet she never meowed, only a very slight purrrr. My friends called her the mime cat, as she would open her mouth to say meow, but nothing ever came out. I hardly knew she was living in my brood after the health check and we had her spayed... Sara just melted into the pot, never getting into a scuffle just content to be warm and fed.
During her very long lifetime her fellow felines have all long passed away, leaving lasting memories and placing her just one more notch closer to my heart. She was never a needy cat that pestered you, she accepted the fact she was not number 1,2,3, or even 10. Waiting for affection and giving ten-fold in return when that time came. I never grew tired of her. She was the most content animal I had ever encountered, and a real joy to be around.
I soon married, and had my own children, Sara was 15 years old and was there through it all. On a dark and rainy night, our new neighbors dog had come over and attacked Sara (she was not afraid of canines, as she considered everyone as her friend) so she didn't run...she was in really bad shape, lost vision in one eye and acquired a limp from the attack that night. The Veterinarian on staff was shocked she survived, but she did. I took her home and nursed her back to health, she was such a fighter, so I fought along side her.
Eleven years have passed since that night, Sara has since lost her sight and most of her hearing... the one thing she gained was her voice...after twenty-six years she meows! Not out of pain, but out of want... she let's me know when she is lost in the house, or when she needs something. I don't mind, she has earned honor amongst the family, because Sara has reached number one status and she is humbly content as long as I don't move the furniture around, she is content.
I have given Sara a home, and in return she has shown me compassion and understanding to the diversity that divides us all by bringing us back together, for we all need and want for love, and I will miss her dearly. Sara has shown me when you are given the gift of life from the universe above, you don't ignore it... you embrace it.
Sara has been with me for a long time and I'm glad I opened my door for her that night. She will always have a special place in my heart, but for now it is time to say goodbye...
-Michelle
My thoughts are with you and your family.
Peace
Bill, I'm sending hugs to you and your family. The first time I visited here you had pictures of Kalib & Royce out on an adventure. I was hooked and have visited every day since that time.
When Royce began to lose weight, I almost stopped coming because of the pain I felt in knowing what was coming. I went through the same with my beloved Snuggles & lost him when he was 21after living a full and loving life. Six years and two cats later, it hurts just as much and I'm weeping for Royce and all of you.
I almost didn't come here today. What a coward. I'm so glad I did. Getting to see the love of your family and sharing in Royce's funeral was a blessing. Thank you. Sending all my best wishes & love to your wonderful family and the adorable cat I loved too.
Such a beautiful tribute to Royce, and what a sweet and loving family he was blessed to be a part of. From reading your blog I knew this time would eventually come. Still it is extremely emotional for me as well as your other readers. One can't avoid the pain and sadness when a beloved pet passes, yet there is comfort for me, and hopefully you as well, in knowing Royce had the best life possible with your sweet and dear family. Too, you will always have the memories of the great friendship you witnessed between Royce and Kalib.
You are a blessed man as I'm sure you are well aware, and how proud you must be of all your children. Thank you for sharing all that you do with us.
Rebecca
I'm so sorry for the death of your dear friend and companion. I went through this a year ago with my dog and there's not a day I don't think of him and miss him. Your story is making me cry those big tears that remind you about the depth of love we feel for our pets. A big hug from NYC.
I thank all of you for the many comments on this post and your sympathies regarding Royce. I am very touched to realize that of all posts that I have ever made, this is the one that has generated the most comment response (although I would note that at the time of Vincent Craig's death, many visitors came to my site from a link on his fan page and then went back and left their comments there).
We all appreciate it.
A number of you wrote about the sorrows you have felt in the past and are still going through after losing the animals that you love, including a 25 year-old cat. I am moved by all of your stories and I agree with those who note that, often, society at large dismisses the pain caused by the death of a beloved animal friend as being insignificant, but it is not.
Thank you all for writing and for your care and good wishes.
I'm very sorry for your loss. Losing them is horrible - loving them, indescribably wonderful, rewarding, joyous and relaxing. I guess the only consolation is that you don't get the far more prevalent joy of love without eventually feeling the pain of loss.
Rest sweetly Royce, and enjoy your health and freedom at the Bridge.
Saying I'm sorry for your loss just doesn't seem enough. But... I am sorry. So very very sorry. Hugs to you and your family. ac
RIP Royce C. Boy
"Love Never Dies".... most applicable words Wille B.........Thanks for sharing Team Hess!
I LOVE YOU ROYCE...
we don't miss you ...cause you are next to me, next to BILL, next to the HESS family,next to the people of Wasillia, next to all of us...
I am happy for ROYCE...cause he is spreading purrr's and farts and love to ALLLLL...
and yeap ...you are not gonna believe it ...on June 17,2010...my dog died ...my white angel...
so my WHITE ANGEL is playing with ROYCE and VINCENT CRAIG...
LOVE LOVE LOVE ...come on ...let's celebrate....