A loving Father's Day tribute: My Pepsi-drinking Mormon dad, Apache father-in-law, humble whale hunter adoptive dad, loving son dad
Sunday, June 20, 2010 at 1:41PM ;)
For once, I look at a picture and I am at a loss to write. I cannot sum my father up in a photo and a few words - it would take a book - just to sum him up. I hope to write that book, but I am very much aware that the years are closing in on me, just as they closed in on him, and the list of books that I have yet to complete is too long to be written in whatever time I have left and I am not putting much time into book-writing these days, anyway.
For now, let it be enough to say that this is the man who flew into flak in World War II to bomb the Nazis and their Fascist allies, this is the man who, by his gruff exterior, often scared me when I was small, but in whose presence I also found a comfort and strength the likes of which I have felt nowhere else. Even at my age, with him in the grave for three years now, I still miss that comfort and strength and long to feel it. Sometimes, I think I do feel it.
Being devout in her faith to the extreme, my mother taught us truth in terms of absolute black and whites, but Dad taught us to question everything.
There are so many places I could go in telling you about my dad, but since I landed on this picture of him smuggling a Diet Pepsi into the house, I might as well tell you about my Dad and Pepsi.
Remember now, I grew up Mormon and my mother was devout, more so, I suspect, than even the even the very highest church leaders themselves, President and Prophet included. In the Mormon Church, there is a tenet called the Word of Wisdom, issued by Joseph Smith, that prohibits good Mormons from indulging not only in alcohol and tabacco, but also coffee and tea - but it does not name coffee and tea directly, but rather "hot drinks."
This has been basically defined to mean coffee and tea, but the vagueness of the statement has created arguments inside the Mormon community that I expect never to be resolved. Some Mormons insist that even hot chocolate is banned under the Word of Wisdom.
As do many Mormons, my late Mom believed the restriction covered all caffeinated beverages, Pepsi and Coke included. Dad loved his Pepsi.
When I was small, a soda pop of any kind was a rare and cherished treat, but every now and then he would buy me a pop as a reward for some accomplishment, usually athletic, like when I swam across the pool for the first time, or hit my first triple in a Little League baseball game. In the early days of my life, these rewards were always drinks like Root Beer, cheery or orange soda, maybe Seven-up.
Then one day, we were in a gas station and he bought me a Coke - but only because Pepsi was not available. I was not to tell my mother. Soon, I followed in his footsteps and began to drink Pepsi at every opportunity - much to the consternation of my mother.
She would say, "I don't want Pepsi in this house," but Dad would sneak it in, anyway.
He kept doing this even when they grew old and fell into ill-health. After she died, Rex, the senior of my oldest brothers, the twins, took up where she left off. Not for religious reasons, but because he believed Pepsi was killing my father.
He did all he could to keep Dad from drinking his Pepsi.
Dad drank it, anyway.
And at the very end, after Dad suffered his final stroke and by his living will precluded the kind of medical heroics that would have extended his life at any miserable cost, he could not eat or drink.
All we could do as we watched him slowly die was to wet a sponge with water or other liquid and bring it to his lips, wet them and then let him suck on the sponge.
Yes - it was a sponge dipped in Pepsi that seemed to give him the greatest relief. When brother Rex saw this happening, he could not altogether hide his dismay and made certain to give Dad some sponge-loads of his own health drinks, but, what the hell, Dad was dying anyway.
It was proper that he go out with the good taste of Pepsi on his tongue.
This is my dad, Rex J. Hess, Sr. He loved his Pepsi.
;)
Readers have met my mother-in-law, Rose Roosevelt, and now you can meet my father-in-law, the late Randy Roosevelt. This is he, holding my little sister-in-law, Chy, who in turn caresses a stuffed goat that I had found on a shopping trip to Globe, Arizona and bought for Margie as a Christmas present in the winter that we were engaged.
That Christmas vacation was the first time that she took me home to the reservation to meet her family and she had been very apprehensive about it, in large part because of this man. She greatly feared how he would react to her bringing a white man home to introduce as her husband to be. Plus, Randy was known to have a temper that could become exacerbated when he drank and, to be quite honest, drinking was a problem for him.
But her fears proved to be groundless. Randy took to me immediately. He took me into his pickup truck and drove me here and there on the reservation and introduced me to many people, both drunk and sober. Everyone that he introduced me to expressed great admiration for him; all said that he was a good man and that if he approved of me to be his son-in-law, then I was okay by them and I would have a home here, on the White Mountain Apache reservation.
When Christmas vacation came to an end, Randy drove Margie and I to Flagstaff, so that we could catch a bus back to Provo, Utah, where we were students at BYU. Rose and Chy came with him. I took this picture in Flagstaff, just before we boarded the bus.
A little less than two months later, he, Rose and several members of the family traveled to Provo for our wedding. They could not attend the wedding ceremony itself, because, as was expected of us, it took place inside the Provo Temple of the LDS Church and while the entire Roosevelt family was Mormon, only Mormons deemed worthy by their bishop or branch president can receive "a temple recommend" and then be allowed to enter the sacred building.
And you cannot get a temple recommend if you are drinking alcohol, coffee or tea (Pepsi drinkers can get recommends and, along with my mother, my Dad was called on a home-based temple mission in his later years) so Randy, Rose, and family were not allowed to attend the ceremony.
They did come to the reception, held in the gymnasium of our local Mormon chapel, and I will never forget how proud and happy Randy was to stand alongside us to shake the hands of all those who came to wish us well.
After we married, we visited the reservation in the late summer of 1974, when Margie's belly was growing big with Jacob. Again, Randy took me all over and introduced me to many more people, for he seemed to know everyone on the reservation. Now that I had actually become his son-in-law, the feeling of welcome acceptance that his friends gave - many of whom had great distrust of and low regard towards white people in general - was even stronger.
When the visit ended, we again returned to Provo, this time in our little yellow Volkswagen Super Beattle, which the people of Carrizo had named, "Billy Bug." Two weeks later, we drove back again, along with Margie's sister, Janet, who had just enrolled as a freshman at BYU. We came for Randy's funeral. He had died in a head-on collision and so had the woman driving the other pickup truck. Both drivers had been drinking. The accident happened almost right in front of the house of Vincent and Mariddie Craig.
Who crossed the line? I don't know.
Randy died three months before the birth of Jacob, his first grandchild.
Less than a year-and-a-half later, we moved to the reservation and I took over the job of producing the tribal newspaper. Sometimes, in the early days as I wandered about the reservation, I would track down someone who I needed to talk with and/or photograph, a person who would see a white man coming with a camera, pen and notepad and would grow wary to the extreme.
Still, I would introduce myself.
"Say," aren't you Randy Roosevelt's son-in-law?" the person would then invariably ask. "Randy was my friend. He was a good man. You're okay, then."
That's how it would go.
I often think back to our wedding. It was a quiet, beautiful and special experience, yet when I think about it I truly do wish that we had not begun our life together with a temple wedding.
Randy, Rose and the whole Roosevelt family should have been present to witness our ceremony. It is not right that they were told they were not worthy to attend the wedding of their own daughter and sister.
I'm sorry, my good, faithful, Mormon friends and relatives, but it just isn't.
They were denied too many things because of a larger society that deemed them to be less worthy than they. They should not have been denied our wedding. I feel badly that I allowed it to happen this way.
;)
If I write fewer words here than I did for my natural dad and my father-in-law, it is not because the late Ben Ahmaogak, Sr., my Iñupiaq dad, is any less deserving, but only because I did not intend to write so much as I did and I do not have the time to keep going on like this.
Father's Day is half over here in Alaska, which means it is more than half over in the rest of the world and in some places, it is over altogether. Soon, my children will arrive for dinner.
Plus, I have this idea in my head that in the future will enable to tell the bigger story of how Ben took me into his Wainwright whaling crew, Iceberg 14, and beyond that, into his large, extended family, so I will save my longer writings about him for that time.
Certainly, I have more dramatic pictures of Ben than this one, but I chose it because of all the men that I ever met, he was at once one of the smartest, toughest, most skilled and daring, yet most humble and gentle.
I should say, too, that this is also true of Jonathan Aiken, Sr., Kunuk, who also took me into his crew and let me follow them for four years. They never referred to me as their adopted son, but our relationship was close and they feel like family to me as well, as does Elijah and Dorcas Rock and, to one degree or another, every hunting crew that I have followed.
In this picture, Ben serves tea to the guests who have come to the Nalukatak, the whale feast, that he hosts with wife Kanaaq and family. As the whaling captain who caught the whale that came to his village and provided the sustenance for this feast and beyond, his status is as high as status can go. He was worked hard and long and no one could hold it against him if he were to just sit back now, relax, enjoy the feast, and let the young girls serve the tea.
But he doesn't do that. He walks through the crowd himself, serving tea to all who desire it.
He is a humble man, that's why.
;)
I included Margie in my Mother's Day tribute, and so I guess I must include myself on Father's Day. I feel odd about this, because I am acutely aware of my great failings as a father and husband. I do not say this to be modest. It is just fact.
Although I always hate to leave my family and home, I am a wanderer and probably spent close to half of the time that my children were growing up wandering away, to other places.
Nor was I much of a teacher. I started out trying to teach my children right and wrong as I had been taught, but the more I thought about things the less it all added up for me until finally I did not know what to teach them. So I basically taught them nothing, but left them to try to figure life out and learn things as their consciences saw fit.
They grew up, however, with an excellent mother and that was what I did right as a dad - I made her their mother. I believe that I did one other thing right as well. I loved my children and they always knew it. No matter what else I did or how often absent I was, they always knew that I loved them.
This is what I will say then about my children - they are all good people, each and every one. They live in various degrees of confusion, as do we all, whether we admit it or not, but they are fundamentally good people.
And if anyone says anything to the contrary about any one of them that person is wrong and speaks falsely.
;)
It took him a long time to get there, and so far not one other child of mine has followed suit, but now my oldest son is a dad twice over.
Sometimes, he might a be tad over-indulgent but I have to say he is a much better dad to Kalib and Jobe than I ever was to him. He showers love and attention upon them and makes certain that they get to experience many things.
To all you dad's out there:
Happy Father's Day!
It's a hard challenge, but it's worth it.
Reader Comments (10)
Happy Father's Day Bill. We never ever, any of us, feel that we live up to the expectations of those who look to us for guidance and care. However, from reading your life's tale, here on your blog, it seems that you and Margie have done well in raising your family. Sometimes one member of a union is stronger in one area and the other has talents that are important to the family as well.
Together it seems that you have done a great job with your children and you should always be proud, and make sure that you thank Margie daily for all that she has done to nurture your loving family and home.
Enjoy your dinner!
Dear Bill, Happy Father's Day.
I felt a little sad reading your memory of your wedding. One of my ex-daughter-in-laws married a Mormon who was also divorced. They brought up my granddaughter in the Mormon tradition. She went to Utah to school, met a wonderful Mormon man and married him. Her father, my son, and none of my extended family was invited to the wedding held in the Mormon temple. They have a wonderful family and he is a wonderful husband to my granddaughter -- but I still feel the pain of exclusion because we were not Mormons.
My children and many of my 14 grandchildren have also grown up in various degrees of confusion, as did I and my husband. We do our very best, love our families, and receive great love in return. Thank you for sharing with all of us.
Happy Father's Day Bill, thanks for sharing with us today. I just finished celebrating the day with my dad who is 83 and I cherish every moment. I don't know much about the Mormon religion, I'm sure like all it has it's good points, and also like all it has 'rules' that just don't make sense - exclusion of people because of what they eat or drink? To me, religion is how you live your life, whether or not you drink caffeine or eat pork or meat on Fridays in Lent does not matter.
Wow. Margie looks like her mother, doesn't she? And further more, your kids seem happy with their dad. I think that you should probably trust their judgement on it.
Happy Father's Day, Bill.
Bill,
Thanks for a loving tribute to your dads and your children. Happy Father's Day to you.
Frances
Happy Father's Day to all those who are gone, and those who are still with us.
I got your FB message and went to your blog. What a wonderful image I saw there! My good papa.! He did indeed love his Pepsi. People should know that eventually Mom acquiesced to his addiction, even buying him Pepsi regularly. Sometimes I think they both enjoyed the game of Dad sneaking Pepsi into the house. I do know that he enjoyed it. It was always "Shhh. Don;t tell your mother."
I also remember the swabs when he was dying. The Pepsi swabs, always stayed longer. I remember him gripping theswab with his teeth so that it couldn't be pulled out.
And yes, I'm sure you feel the comfort of Dad sometimes. Mom, too.
Must write a bit more. My kids thin k you're a fabulous uncle.
wow Grandma Rose and Grandpa Randy..Auntie Chy Pie!!!I love the photo...
Another beautiful post Bill. I enjoed seeing more of those that have meant so much to you. I also think its pretty evident that your kids love you very much so no matter what you think, you did something right along the way :) I hope you had a fantastic Fathers Day!