Contemplating the future of this blog, part 1
Wednesday, January 26, 2011 at 2:02PM 
On a painful day in the recent past, I wrote of how I once heard a teenage girl speak a name and immediately fell in love with the woman named, a woman who I had never yet met but who would become my wife and the mother of my children.
The girl who spoke Margie's name was Martyna White Hawk, Lakota of Manderson, South Dakota, on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation.
One week ago, I received a Facebook message from Martyna in which she told me that on January 25, she was going to hold a memorial walk for the three children of hers who had been killed one year before in a terrible traffic accident. MADD - Mothers Against Drunk Driving - was going to walk with her and she hoped that the Lakota Times might come and cover the event.
As soon as I learned this, I just wanted to drop everything and go. I wanted to be there.
Yet, the total sum of my business and home checking accounts, plus the one cent still left in my savings account, did not add up to the required airfare from Anchorage to Rapid City, or the rental car that I would need from there.
I checked my frequent flier miles and came up 10,000 miles short.
I sent an email to an important person in the photographic world who works at a national blog that has plans to soon feature some of my work to see if by any almost impossible chance he might be able to help me get there.
He responded that he was moved by the story but did not have any resources available to help me do it.
So I had no choice but to resign myself to the fact that I could not go and to hope only that the Lakota Times would show up and they would do a good story and that I could read about it there and post a link here.
The night before the walk was scheduled to take place, Margie had gone to town to babysit Kalib and Jobe and so I had stayed up almost all night, pittering away at my computer. When she is gone, it is very difficult for me to make myself stop what I am doing and go to bed. Even so, as has so often been the case these past couple of months, once I did go to bed, I was only able to sleep briefly before I awoke, exhausted, yet unable to sleep further.
So I got up, thinking maybe I would walk to Family Restaurant - but that would be close to an eight-mile walk, roundtrip, and while I could use an eight-mile walk, I didn't have time for it.
Just as I was about to cook oatmeal, Caleb pulled into the driveway, home from his all-night shift at Wal-Mart. "You can take my truck," he said.
So I did. And here I am - at Family Restaurant, once again, eating breakfast and photographing reflections in the window.
The day must come - IT MUST COME - when this blog and its evolution gains enough resource that if I suddenly find I have the need to drop everything, hop on a jet and go to South Dakota, I can go.
In one month, Sujitha and Manoj will experience a formal Hindu wedding in Bangalore. Those who have been with me since the day that I mentioned how Martyna spoke Margie's name know why it would be important for me to be there.
Last winter, my dear and best friend down in Arizona, Vincent Craig, lay in a hospital bed, battling cancer, and I wanted to drop everything and go see him, but I couldn't, until late May, and then I got there and stepped into his hospital room just hours before he died.
While I was glad that I made it, I should have been there in time to sit down with him, talk with him, joke with him, laugh with him, cry with him, but I didn't make it and I will regret that for the remainder of my days.
And then all that happened in India in November - I want to say that I should have been able to hop on a jet at the first notification to scoot right down and then maybe that could have changed at least the final, tragic, outcome but, you know what?
After someone dies in India, things happen so fast that even if I had left on the next scheduled flight, it would have all been over by the time the plane touched down in Bangalore.
Yet, still I should have been able to jump on that plane and if I had possessed the resource, I surely would have and maybe... maybe... I can't be sure... but maybe just the knowledge that someone was coming from Alaska could have forestalled and then prevented the outcome which has now become destiny - but it did not need to be destiny.
Destiny only becomes firm once it has happened and then it seems as if it was always going to be destiny and that it was just beyond anyone's ability to change it. But before any one destiny becomes set and firm, other destinies abound in endless possibility and this could have come to a different destiny.
Anyway, I am rambling, going off track. I did not mean to go here. I only meant to state that this blog must find a measure of self-sustaining independence so that when the need arises, I can get up and go to wherever it is that I need to go at the time.
Or, if I just need to stay home for awhile, I can stay home. I can't always do that, either, you know. Sometimes, I want to stay home, but I must go.
The kids in this bus, btw, might have wanted to stay home on this, the morning of Martyna's memorial walk, but they had to get up, get dressed and go.
Not a single one of them were thinking of Martyna, or of her children, but I was.
I fear that I have rambled too much, and have missed the opportunity to delve into today's headline, "contemplating the future of this blog."
I spend a fair amount of time thinking about different options that I might pursue to find the means to fund this blog and to build it in to what I want it to be, but I think it is time for me to stop just thinking about it, to write it down, and start coming up with a plan to achieve it.
It can be done - I am certain of it - but not if I just keep going as I am going.
So, I was going to begin that effort, right here, today. I was going to write down some of what I hope to do and to contemplate the possibilities of getting me there. While I do not expect any readers out there to have the answer for me, if any had any input or ideas after reading what I thought would write about today, then I would have been very glad to read those ideas.
But I have used up all my blogging time and then some, and have already written more words than most readers are likely to read.
This is a cat, by the way - a black cat that has just crossed the road in front of me. So maybe some good fortune will come my way.
One thing that bothers me about this blog is how small the horizontal pictures appear.
So small that the cat barely appears at all.
This is the same frame, cropped. Now you can see the cat better, but I prefer the full-frame, horizontal image. It just does not work so well on this blog. It works a little better in slide show view.
Anyway, since I blew it today, I will change the title of this post to "Contemplating the future of this blog, part 1." I will continue this discussion tomorrow in "part 2".
I have run out of time to even jump into my India folder to randomly grab an image. Even so, I have been posting the India images to accomplish a specific purpose, and in this post that purpose has already been accomplished.
This image, by the way, is from the drop-in to Metro Cafe that I made with Margie the other day.
Reader Comments (11)
All I can say Bill, is I visit your blog every single day, and enjoy it immensely. I just don't have any answers for you except you have readership that would suffer if you left. How's that for guilt?
Bill, I have met you many times, an every time we see each other, we smile say our pleasantries, and shake hands. I love reading your blogs, you have a great eye, and an even better gift to send your mind to the keyboard below. I look forward to seeing you next month, it is Kivgiq season. Take care an keep sending your thoughts to us.
Bill, you could do a piece on Lisa the Ice Road Trucker and get back in touch with National Geographic to perhaps tell her story and perhaps do a nice photographic tale of lives in Wasilla that are more interesting than our most famous resident. Is there a way for us to get in touch with Geo and help to find you a job doing what you love? If there was a way or a contact or something many of us would assist in telling the good Editor type folks at that magazine what a photographic and literary talent you are!
I read every day. I learn every day. I learned so very much from your book, too. My Grandgirlies sat with me and we looked at the pictures, and talked about how different that part of Alaska is from their home in Kansas.
Your writing is spectacular. Really. I am a retired teacher, and I know. I would like you to think about a book for children. Chapter book of a sort! Pictures! Learning! Wonderful!
My husband and I are sending you and Margie a present. We got it for Christmas, and haven't used it. I would like for the two of you to use it for something special. Please.
Bill, I've always marveled at the commitment bloggers must make to do what they do. It is, as they say, a time suck.
And it also doesn't pay for itself and rarely puts food on your table, bills in your bank account or mileage in your cache.
That you have a gift with words and with your eyes has allowed you access to many wondrous adventures, experiences and the meeting of all walks of life is a treasure, but you must take care of yourself. The sad truth is, unless you can make a living off this blog, you can you really afford to keep doing it?
I spoke with a carver tonight from Southcentral. He makes lovely and innovative items with animal parts that others would'nt find useful, and ai complimented him on it, but he said it didn't pay his light bill. I'm always sorry to hear such things.
I'm rambling too and can't provide a solution, can't underwrite your blog. Many people can. And I hope they rally and support you. I'm an occassional visitor and have loved your views and storytelling everytime, but I have to be disciplined too about the use of my time. So good luck sir, when there comes a time to throw favor your way. I'll do what I can.
Quyana.
Whatever we can do to help you suceed. We will do.
I guess, Bill, that I would try to look at the thing like so: I too have a desire to be other places and to do other things, but unfortunately, I am not well to do, and being a clerk at the local Tractor Supply (even an exceptionally cheerful and oh-by-golly-I-am-glad-to-be-here sort of clerk) is not a lucrative position. There are two college students in my family. So we stumble along, and are happy in the stumbling, as far as that goes. I visit exotic locations such as Wasilla Alaska or Sydney, Australia or Birmingham, England via the internet. I still hope to travel one day, to see these places I have only dreamed about, but who knows what will happen in my life? So I live my life fully where I am right now, and I keep my eyes open for opportunities, and I give the very best that I have to give to the place that I am now.
You are in a beautiful place. You have a lovely family. Photograph where you are like it has never been photographed before. Write stories to go with them. A nice book would be landmarks of Alaska. Take a picture of the mountain, and retell the legend of that place with one of the old, old stories that the people still tell one another. Take a picture of a raven, and tell a story about ravens.
You live in a land of stories. Tell them. You live in a beautiful place. Show that to the world
And there you have it, my advice, for what it is worth. You can keep them, or toss them to the side.
I visit your blog from snowy New Jersey. As I sit in my kitchen I am wondering if we are having anywhere near as much snow as you have up in Alaska. I have a cousin living in Wasilla since she married in 1971 and they went up to work the pipeline, and I wonder if one day I will see their photos in your blog. As you contemplate the future of your blog, please consider this: does your wonderful blogging take the place of work, paying work, that you would be doing in the community? Are you trying to make a go of Wasilla, AK by 300 instead of performing a 9-to-5 job for somebody else? Or do you do it because you are retired, and for the love of it? If you need to find a "real" job to have a steady income to do what you want we would all love to do, fly off to aid and comfort those who need us, then look for that job and blog less. I think we could all live with "less" rather than "none". Perhaps an option that you may have considered but discarded, but may now need to consider again is the dreaded....advertising. I'd bet dollars to donuts that those of us that read you regularly would click for you. Finally, I know that your location is truly the back of beyond in terms of getting anywhere. Since you have so many people that live far away, have you and your beloved ever considered that living in an area that is more central to everywhere (AZ, NM, etc.) would allow you to be nearer those that you feel you need to be near? Yes - at the loss of those you are near now. Such are the decisions we face when we reach this stage of our lives. Sometimes, most times we cannot be there for others in body, but it has to suffice to let them know we are thinking of them. It does no good to bankrupt ourselves, our family, and our bodies to try to salve the emotions of those who are in our hearts. You have had a troubling time, Bill, and your pain is coming through so loud and clear. Hugs from Verona.
I appreciate the thoughts. I will be addressing the topic a little more deeply in part 2, which I was going to post today but I ran out of time to work those into today's post, which was long enough, anyway, so I will post part 2 tomorrow, Friday.
So, in brief:
Michelle - Thank you for the encouragement, and, be assured, I have no plans to leave. My goal remains the same. I think, though, that in order to succeed, I may have to make a strategic retreat in some ways - none of which involve not posting.
Bunna - Thank you. I am always glad when my Slope and other rural friends read the blog. See you at Kivgiq!
Alicia - That is a good thought and this might sound a bit strange, but at this point in my life, I have no desire to work for National Geographic or any other publication. I just want to build and create my own and to find a way to exercise my own vision. Early in my career, I actually did do work for National Geographic. It was a good and educational experience, but it is behind me now. I must find the way to make this one work.
Kathryn - Thank you. Children's books! Yes. I have a bunch I would like to do! A bunch! That's one of the problems - how to get from here to there on this as well, but there must be a way. And thank you! You are much too generous!
icvillages - Everything that you state is absolutely correct. I cannot tell you how many times I have asked myself what foolishness ever possessed me to take this on, but the fact is I did take it on, I do enjoy it, and although I have yet to find the way, I know there is a way and intend to find it.
Rocksee - Without a doubt, you already have already done much to help.
Debby - Your advice is good. I have come to live in this beautiful place and to be surrounded by all that surrounds me precisely because I am a hopeless dreamer. When I packed Margie and the kis, less the as yet unborn Lisa, into our Volkswagen Rabbit in June of 1981 and pointed the car north, where we knew no one, had no job awaiting, and only two tiny tents to live in, everybody said no, don't do that, too risky, you got a good life right here.
But I did it. And then they said you can never afford to get an airplane and it is a foolish thing to think you can and that you can go wandering about Alaska in it, but I did. And then they said, "Cats? Billy! Cat's are troublesome animals and you do not want to have one," but soon cats were running all over my house.
In part because I am a foolish man prone to cast prudence aside, I have had many setbacks that have put into my current situation. However, this is also what has enabled me to do what I have done. I have much yet to do and, although I live in Wasilla and Alaska and Alaska is the home of heart, the entire world is also my home and I want to see and experience more of it, in person, before my own eyes, on my own terms, and, done right, this blog has the potential to help me do that.
Robin - We have very little snow here right now. Not much has fallen this year and then so much got blown away. If you go a bit to the south and to the north, you will find much more so, but still considerably less than normal. But there is much winter ahead of us. February is usually too cold to snow much, but sometimes it does and often it piles up in March.
As to that 9-5 job, I have never worked one and I never will and I will retire only when my body breaks down to the point that I cannot work anymore. I am a freelance photographer/writer, former creator of paper publications and that is how I have made my living and raised my family. Now, we are in a new age, with exciting new media created just for individuals such as myself, but they come with one hell of a challenge to figure out how to do it and also sustain yourself.
So that is my quest.
You are exactly right in that, for a time, anyway, I must scale back and blog less (not necessarily less often) so that I can devote more time both to making a living and to figure out how to make this my living.
For Margie's sake, I hope eventually to find a way to enable us to spend much of our winters in her Arizona homeland, although even she would prefer to be here for the remainder of the year.
Thank you for the hugs!
Greetings from another reader from very snowy NJ.
I discovered your blog sometime mid 09. I've spent blocks of time over the years in Talkeetna and Trapper Creek. Family commitments keep me from spending more time in what I've come to consider my second home. I initially started coming by because your photos helped stave off any bouts of "homesickness". But then, I got sucked in by the stories.
Thank you so much for all you have shared - and hopefully will continue to share! As a prior commentor noted, your stories are educational; and I've learned so much. I believe a great bumper sticker would be : Expand your horizons, read Bill's Blog :-D
So here's my 2cents : blog a little, blog alot, blog happy, blog sad, blog daily, blog less frequently. I'm happy to gobble up whatever crumbs you toss out on the net.
As to suggestions : I used to read a blog which had a very basic daily post but a more expanded version for subscribers. Never having done a blog or website, I have no clue how that works. Don't know if this would be a viable idea for you.
Finally, Congrats! I just received the latest issue of Alaska Mag and spotted your photo illustrating the blurb about the Whales movie. I recognized it right away, and have to admit I got a bit miffed for a minute when I didn't see a photo credit......then I found it in the fold. :-)
All the best,
i wouldnt want you to close or end your blog until your 'hurt' melts away. i wouldnt wish anything drastic so.. like global warming would on the entire planet. i would like you to keep your hurt still so that you would remember to be human and never be uncaring, but your hurt small enough so you can carry on inspite of what's thrown your way.
good luck with everything. seems like a camera like yours is what i need also to carry on. i dont even know which kind it is.