I feel very lazy on this Wasilla spring day, so I will tell the truth, shun all lies and write about Sarah Palin's buick
Saturday, April 2, 2011 at 12:26PM 
It is springtime here in Wasilla and it is Saturday. I feel extremely lazy. I want to do nothing but lie around and be lazy - although I tried that last Sunday and it didn't work. Still, I am going to move slow here for awhile. I do have what to me is a very important task that I must complete today, but if I lollygag about and hit it as I feel like, I think I will complete that task by the time I go to bed tonight and it just might result in a book someday.
A book to make the reader fall in love and then break her heart. Or his heart. Male or female, it doesn't matter. If one has a heart, this book will make that heart love and then it will break that heart.
Anyway, yesterday, I took a morning walk. When I crossed the road in front of this school bus, the driver suddenly gunned it to about 90. He or she was determined to run me down. I sprinted for the edge of the road and barely dove out of the way.
I made it, all right, but the back fender of the bus caught the edge of my right shoe and ripped it off.
Now I am going to sue the school district for a new pair of shoes.
In fact, I think I'll go for cowboy boots.
I haven't worn cowboy boots in a long time.
I used to wear them all the time.
And a cowboy hat, too.
A Remington .357 six-shooter on my hip.
I was pretty dangerous.
I was tall, too.
Tall, dark, and handsome.
That's why Margie fell in love with me.
Then I ate a bad taco and wound up short and pale.
She still loves me, though.
So it's okay.
I will never stop eating tacos.
Just imagine this shadow wearing a cowboy hat and six shooter, and you will see what I mean.
In the afternoon, I drove to Carr's to pick up a muffin. Along the way I saw this kid enjoying spring in a melt puddle. Yeah - I know - the image is blurry. I don't care. You get the idea. Sometimes, for me, just the idea is good enough. Life is a blur, anyway.
I parked at Carr's and prepared to go in and get the muffin. I saw this man standing on the roof. When you see a man standing on the roof of Carr's, you know it's spring.
See how he has his hands in his pockets? That's because he's hiding bananas in those pockets. He will throw one of them at me, thinking that he will strike me in the head and knock me to ground, where I will get run over by Sarah Palin's Buick, which just happens to be rolling through the parking lot at this very moment.
That's another sure sign of spring in Wasilla - when you see Sarah Palin's Buick rolling through the parking lot. For decades now, it has been that way. "Look!" someone will say, "there's Sarah Palin's Buick, rolling through the parking lot. Must be spring."
This man did, in fact, hurl the banana at me, but I was quick. I caught it. I ate it. It went very well with the muffin.
Reader Comments (7)
My goodness, Mr. Hess. What a perfect blog post!!
You got me to look by mentioning Sarah Palin's buick, but I was more impressed with the homicidal school bus driver. I hope you win something Big.
Mr. Hess -- thank you for a great big belly laugh. And a memory of departed husband in his cowboy boots and cowboy hat that he thought made him look tall, dark and handsome; and he would have loved to have a six-shooter on his hip. Of course, by then he was middle aged, kind of paunchy and we lived in the middle of the city but I still thought he looked wonderful too. Take good care of yourself -- I come here every day to enjoy life, kids, wonderful people, doing wonderful things, and every day I am not disappointed!
If you had not eaten the bananas with your muffin, you could have put them in your own pocket and used them to lob at homicidal school bus drivers who attempted to take you out. But no. You do not think of things like that. You ate the bananas and were defenseless.
I would not suggest lobbing bananas at Sarah Palin in her Buick. She seems to have more bananas than she actually needs.
Great post! Really fun! It looks like you left off the picture of the Buick. :-)
Eewww.. I was writing you an email about Sarah Palin's Alaska show in TLC every Monday! It was amazing and I even saw a Welcome to Wasilla Board towards the right I guess??!!!
Molly - I didn't even get the cowboy boots. The judge through the case out for "Prejudicial Pre-Publicity." I have no idea what that means.
Grandma Nancy - Wish I could have met your husband.
But, Debby! I encountered the homicidal bus driver before the banana incident!
Just-a-Mote - sorry, I didn't mean to, but by the time I caught and eaten the banana, the buick had rolled away.
Suji Niece - I will shoot a picture of that sign, just for you. Now be sure to come to today's blog. It stars Jobe.
I understand that, Bill, but you realize that bus drivers drive the same route EVERY SINGLE DAY????!!!! You'll encounter him again, and if you don't learn self control, once again, yes, you'll have no bananas.
*sigh*
Men are a peculiar people....
But then how do we explain Sarah?
Hand over a banana Bill. I need something to munch on while I'm thinking this through.